Decorating With Poop

By Mira (Translated by L. Vanessa Gruden) from Paw Printz July-August, 2001

Very few humans realize that we ferrets have a highly evolved sense of aesthetics. Our surroundings and living conditions are very important to us. This is why certain items such as stuffed toys, squeak toys, and car keys must be put away in proscribed places. Humans imagine we are STEALING these items! Not so! We are arranging these knickknacks and collectables in a pleasing manner that will improve the beauty of our surroundings as well as contribute to the harmonious feng sui of each room.

One of the primary tools ferrets have to decorate with is poop. Some humans do not give us many toys; some place their plants and car keys in areas where we cannot reach them. Some ferrets simply do not like to decorate with manmade items, and prefer to enhance our environment with the bounty that nature provided to us. But whether a ferret uses poop exclusively or integrates it in with their other decorating schemes, poop offers us the opportunity to decorate in a truly personal way.

Here is an overview of some of the ways ferrets can use poop to create a variety of design styles.

Traditional—Poop in corners

Some might call this style boring, but I believe it has a solid dependability about it that feels very comfortable. It hearkens back to a simpler time, when ferrets were ferrets and litter boxes were unknown. A few ferrets will poop in the same corner time after time until the pile reaches great heights; I feel this is taking the easy way out and recommend these ferrets broaden their horizons by integrating other styles into their homes. The formal way to deposit this poop is to stand stock-still in the corner, head high, searching the sky for predators.

Modern—Short poops all over the floor

At the opposite extreme is a style that I think really reflects the busy, active lifestyle of today’s ferret. Who has time to stop and deposit a great big pile? Run, run, run, take a cell phone call, and leave a little poopie. The danger here is that the overall effect can feel scattered and random. I worry that ferrets who only utilize this style are similarly scattered and indecisive in other areas of their lives. “Slow down!” I say to them. Relax and try another style. Your home and your bowels will be the better for it.

Surreptitious—Hidden poops under furniture

This is a popular style with those ferrets who are nervous or shy. Perhaps they have an irrational fear that their human will “erase” signs of poop and in a way, “erase” their own existence. Trust me, humans can never fully erase your decorating! Scrape and scrub as they may, some residue always remains. Maybe some ferrets think they won’t look adorable while they are pooping—again, this is just nonsense. Ferrets look adorable doing ANYTHING. Free yourself! Come out into the open and poop smack in the center of the rug. It’s GOOD to experiment with new effects!

High Traffic—Pooping in front of the door

This is a style which really can complement any of the above noted decors and still serve as a personal statement. “Protest pooping” has a long and classic history in the ferret world. It is closely related to “Pooping in the hallway” and the time-honored “Pooping right in the middle of the floor.” To me, each has a distinctive aura about it that says, “Hey world! I have spirit and an adventurous fashion sense.”

Expansive—Pooping outside the cage

An athletic and supple ferret can manage to decorate OUTSIDE their limited environs and spread their artistic skills far and wide. I don’t have a cage, so I can only admire this style from a (safe) distance.

Eclectic—A smooth meshing of various poop styles

This is a method easiest to attain if you have a multiple ferret household, where you will often find clashing personal visions at work. But it is not impossible for a single ferret to achieve! With effort, you can amaze your humans with your ability to poop in many ways and many places.

Using a Litter Box—Ha ha!

Exclusively using the box a human has provided for you to decorate in is so rare that I include it merely as an example of what you absolutely should NOT do. Really, if you have so little imagination that you want to only use that box and not your entire environment as a landscape for your decorating skills, you don’t deserve to be a ferret—you deserve to be (shudder) a CAT.